Fire up Your Desire [Part II]
Scientists think they’ve unraveled the mystery of female arousal and what they’ve discovered will blow your mind in bed
Hillary Rosner
Brotto offers two possible explanations: “Women are consummate multitaskers, and society rewards this ability.” Women have become so good at doing a million things at once—talking on the phone, cooking dinner, watching TV, reading a magazine—that it often becomes hard to slow it down or turn it off during sex and just enjoy the moment. Sound familiar?
There’s a physical explanation, too. As counter-intuitive as this may sound, men are more in tune with their bodies than women are. Guys typically notice and touch their genitals at a younger age (by virtue of the fact that a boy’s are more visible than a girl’s). They also begin masturbating earlier. “Because of this, their brains notice changes in their bodies more quickly,” Brotto explains, “whereas women’s bodies can be very excited and their minds don’t notice it at all.”
Or sometimes it’s just that the mind takes a while to catch up. Ever since sex researchers William Masters and Virginia Johnson revolutionized thinking about human sexual function and dysfunction in the 1950s and 1960s, conventional wisdom has held that there’s a linear progression: People feel desire and then become aroused; the physical sensations intensify and it all ends with one big earth-shattering orgasm.
But current research is showing that for some women, desire doesn’t necessarily come first. The sexual contact may be what gets you in the mood. “When a woman’s partner initiates sex, she may feel indifferent to it at first,” says psychologist Sandra Leiblum, Ph. D., director of sexual and relationship services at the New Jersey Center for Sexual Wellness. She may be stressed or tired or, to Brotto’s point, focusing on a million other things. “But often, if she plays along she starts to feel aroused, and then the desire kicks in,” Leiblum says.
To help women sync up their brains with their bodies, Brotto has begun teaching the art of mindfulness. The idea is to enable women to stay focused on sex by integrating the physical with the mental so that mental excitement can heighten physical arousal and vice versa. To try it at home, Brotto suggests spending 10 minutes a day paying very close attention to any activity—walking the dog, washing dishes, drinking a cup of coffee. “Focus on any sensations in your body—notice the placement of your feet, the positioning of your hands,” she says. “What do you see, smell, taste, hear?” If you become distracted, guide your mind back to the present. (To achieve this, imagine putting your wandering thoughts on a conveyor belt and watching them slowly roll away).
Brotto advises next getting familiar with your body by examining and touching yourself during or after a shower, experimenting with what feels good. When you’re ready, work toward incorporating the focusing exercise while you’re aroused, either alone or with your partner. Eventually you’ll become attuned to what you’re feeling during sex rather than letting your thoughts escape the bedroom.
Source: http://www.womenshealthmag.com/sex-and-relationships/sex-tips-1?page=2